somedays i feel like the worst MOMMY...

man, i have been beating myself up because i feel like such an AWEFUL mommy to my precious boy alex......i find myself CONSTATLY getting after him for things like yelling in the house, throwing his toys, jumping on the couch, ETC ALL THINGS LITTLE BOYS DOOOOO!!!! why do i do that? i feel like i am FOREVER just telling him to stop, don't do this, becareful, etc....i keep praying about this because man, i lose it sometimes....i dont' want to be that mother that is a YELLER and i think i have become HER!!! he is SUCH a good little boy!!! and just doing what little boys DO!!! I think i am going to get a rubber band and snap myself to remind myself 'HE IS ONLY A LITTLE BOY!! HE IS THREE YEARS OLD!!"

i can also see the DIFFERENCE of voice i use with matthew vs alex and that is not right either!! but i guess, even though matthew is already two, he is still like a baby in all areas so it is not like he is getting into trouble yet, you know? so, alex sees a BIG boy, not a baby but unfortunatly he is still a baby!! you know? anyway, it made me feel like the LOWEST OF LOWEST form of life when today, on the way to a drs appt for matthew, alex tells me "nobody loves me!!" OMG, i couldn't believe what i was hearing!! my heart BROKE right then and there!!! in my mind , i KNOW it was cause he wanted to take a nap but i kept messing with him so that he would stay awake and he was grumpy but still, to have him say that, i could NOT believe it!! he has NEVER said that!!!!!!!! man, i started to cry... i think it also has to do that daddy, his hero, has been gone for 2 weeks and he is missing him but STILL.....i need to do BETTER....